Doc: Happy But Confused

“And I guess there’s a lot guys that are gay, but I don’t know.” – Doc

Zeeland: You consider yourself bisexual. Is that right?

Doc: Um, yes. But . . . I’m not sure anymore. Who knows.

Zeeland: Who knows?

Doc: Well, I should know, but I don’t think that I know. I mean, because, I can go out with a girl and have a good time. And fuck her and shit. And I can go out with a guy and do the same thing. But lately it’s been drawn more towards the male.

Zeeland: Have you had sexual experiences with other soldiers where you live?

Doc: No. I never really looked until recently. And I guess there’s a lot of guys that are gay, but I don’t know.

Zeeland: How many men have you had sex with?

Doc: Sex? Or gotten off with?

Zeeland: Gotten off with.

Doc: Probably five, six. But that’s just pretty much him giving me a blowjob, or something like that, but not really sex-sex. I’ve only done that once.

Zeeland: And who was that?

Doc: Guess. Yeah, Scott. . . . We ended up going to his office where he works. And I was like, totally paranoid. ‘Cause we had to walk past the guy that was on duty. And I’m thinking, man, this guy’s gonna know what’s up. Scott’s going, “Don’t worry about it man.” But the guy probably knew.

Zeeland: What did you do in the office?

Doc: Um, he gave me a blowjob. And I jacked him off. Then we went to his room. His roommates were asleep, and there was like a dresser — you’ve heard this, haven’t you! Did you hear this? Yes? Okay.

Zeeland: But tell me anyway.

Doc: He was sleeping on the floor and I was sleeping on the bed. I was really fucking horny. I ended up sliding off the bed, and giving him kind of a blowjob and he gave me a blowjob.

Zeeland: With his roommates right there.

Doc: Yeah. Yeah. There were two of them.

Zeeland: Do you think they woke up and noticed anything?

Doc: I don’t think so. The way they acted towards me the next day was, “Oh well, he’s pretty cool.”

Zeeland: The last time you saw Scott was right before he left to go back to the States. You were at the bar together, and you took off without saying goodbye to him.

Doc: Right.

Zeeland: Why did you do that?

Doc: I don’t know. I knew he was leaving. But I didn’t know how to say goodbye. ‘Cause I’d never had to say goodbye to a dude before.

Zeeland: Does anybody know about this other side to your life in your barracks, or where you work?

Doc: Just recently this girl does.

Zeeland: How does she know?

Doc: She’s a dyke and I told her. I told her enough that she knew what was going on. I mean, I don’t splurge out on details or anything.

Zeeland: But nobody’s ever called you a fag?

Doc: They have.

Zeeland: They’d probably do that anyway, because of your punk haircut and clothes.

Doc: No, no. They’re like, friends of mine, and they just say it jokingly. It doesn’t mean anything.

Zeeland: There’s never any menace?

Doc: No. I think they say it because they run out of words. You can only call a person an asshole so much.

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